Carryduff woman’s brave battle with depression

Carryduff woman’s brave battle with depression

10 January 2018

A FIRST class graduate, award-winning gymnast, champion footballer and successful teacher. A much loved daughter, sister, cousin, niece and friend.

On paper, 25 year-old Éadaoin Early has it all.

But on New Year’s Day, the young Carryduff woman made a public confession that has touched many.

Determined to start 2018 on a positive note, and relieved to see 2017 draw to a close, she posted online a story about her secret struggle with depression.

Her eloquently written post has now been shared on Facebook thousands of times. It begins last September when Éadaoin told her doctor for the first time about the negative thoughts that were beginning to overwhelm her.

Shocked to have a diagnosis of depression, she says she passed her house after leaving the surgery, driving on automatic pilot to Tyrella beach where she sat alone for several hours.

Part of a large, loving family, Éadaoin, an Irish speaker, reflected on how fortunate she was to have a permanent job she loves in an Irish-speaking primary school in Tyrone.

Returning home regularly for Gaelic football training, she relished the camaraderie of the senior ladies’ team of which she is vice-captain and which won the Down senior league and championship in 2017. She was also proud of her achievements as a champion gymnast.

Despite her many accolades, Éadaoin recalls the day that she felt like “the biggest failure in the world”.

Lifting a notebook from her bag, she began to write her story, questioning why she had ended up without self-esteem or confidence.

“This is what depression has done to me,” she wrote. “It came as a shock to hear someone say the words out loud, but I think I had known internally for a while.

“I hadn’t been feeling myself, things that I enjoyed doing had become a chore. I was going to sleep early so that I didn’t have to deal with my thoughts. When I was asleep the voice in my head was at bay.

“This isn’t someone else’s voice. This isn’t even a voice that keeps me company. This is my worst enemy. I don’t remember a time this voice wasn’t part of me. But in recent years it has got louder and louder and has become so outspoken I do not know how to silence it.

“This voice has made me question every aspect of my life. It has made me question: Am I a good teacher? Am I a good team-mate? Was I a good gymnast? Am I as good as people say? Am I even a nice person?

“Pretty soon the voice stops questioning and starts telling. You aren’t a good teacher. You’re only there to fill the gap. You are the weak link in the Carryduff defence. They could win without you.

“No boy is interested in you — that is why there never talk to you or text you. They want to get to your friends through you. What could any male possibly see in you?

“When someone tells you something enough times you start to believe it. And that is what I did.

“I hated myself. I hated everything about me. My looks. My personality.

“I had convinced myself that no one would notice if I wasn’t about any more. The voice convinced me I didn’t care.”

When she first saw her doctor, Éadaoin says she felt like she was stuck in the middle of four lanes of rushing traffic with nowhere to go, but within a week, she felt like she had moved safely on to the footpath.

Reluctantly accepting she needed more time to recover, she began to work on “the question of who exactly is Éadaoin Early?”

A high achiever, Éadaoin says she was always hard on herself, setting standards she felt driven to keep.

“I do not do things by halves, I give something my all, I have that drive,” she said.

“The most exhausting part was putting on a front the whole time. I  could not tell people there was something wrong because they expected me to be the life and soul of the party. How can I start, now at 25, to say I am not OK?”

Éadaoin says her battle against mental illness has helped her realise the value of her family and friends, particularly cousins who she discovered are “ready made friends for life”. 

She also values the camaraderie of her work colleagues and her Carryduff team-mates, many of whom were very surprised to hear she was suffering.

Pulling her loved ones closer, she said her social circle has narrowed and has become “less about quantity and more about quality”.

“Family and friends are the most cherished possession and they will support you to the end,” she said.

“I have learnt that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. I feel a lot better now, but still somehow broken. This journey has been the best and toughest experience of my life.” Éadaoin says she is now back at work and “damned if I am letting this thing beat me”. She said she has been overwhelmed by the response to her New Year’s Day post.

“I was really in two minds whether to put my story up. I did not want people to think I am crazy. It is something to be challenged every day. You fight it every day and the fight gets easier, the days I do not want to get out of bed are fewer and I know things do get better.

“I have been inundated with messages from other people who have suffered, or who have family or friends who have suffered. Many have said that I have put into words what they could not.

“One girl contacted me to say my post gave her the drive to tell her family she had depression. That is why I put it up, to tell people it is OK not to be OK.

“Part of the stigma that needs to be broken is the fear of talking about feelings, but depression does not care what age you are, what sex you are or what you have going for you. It is something that will take over your life if you let it. We need to break the cycle of people getting so close to the edge.”

She added: “Never be embarrassed to talk about mental health. It is not something to be afraid of, not something to be ashamed of. It is something to be challenged every day. Something that needs to be talked about.

“It will leave me with scars, but I will wear these scars with pride and remind myself that I will not be defeated.”