One woman’s battle against the scourge of eating disorders

One woman’s battle against the scourge of eating disorders

29 February 2012

EATING Disorders Awareness Week took place last week. We are extremely grateful that Julie, who is receiving treatment for anorexia, has chosen to articulate her personal experience of her journey of recovery in order to raise awareness and provide hope and support for those affected by an eating disorder.

“It is difficult to specify a date or time when I actually realised I had an eating disorder,” she said. “I had been extremely focused on work, both academic and part-time. Appeared to be happy enough — good relationships, socially active etc. But then I started to feel like I couldn’t enjoy things anymore and felt increasingly restless.

“I had difficulty sleeping and became more focused on perfecting work, excluding myself from friends and family. I started to adapt a reward and punish mentality to try to ‘feel’ any sort of a thrill, even a negative sensation like exhaustion or hunger. I never intended to become slim, like a size zero model, as so many people presume eating disorder sufferers do.”

Julie gradually shrunk all aspects of her life, withdrew more from people, lost weight and became more and more confined in a routine that offered some sense of security and control.

“I never stopped eating... I simply felt that there were only certain foods that I could eat. They had to prepared by me, and eaten in my time. I felt anxious when I couldn’t maintain the same mental or physical stamina I used to have and eventually decided to take a break from work, and spend time at home again.

“My family encouraged me to go to a GP since I appeared strained and had bad headaches etc. My heart rate and low blood pressure made the GP concerned and I was sent for an emergency ECG and hospitalised immediately. My weight was low, but I had failed to realise how precarious my situation was.

I was so caught up in being ill and having this label of ‘anorexic’ that my identity was somewhat defined by lots of negatives. I felt lost and had to relearn to connect with the real me - someone who is vibrant, confident, capable and compassionate.

Julie says people close to me got hurt too. “Family and friends began to tread on eggshells as the force of control due to my eating disorder made me push others away.

“I felt horrible and didn’t want others to be part of that. Also, I felt guilty, ashamed and sad with this false belief that I had allowed myself to fall ill.”

Julie says her recovery really took off when she realised that she did not choose anorexia.

“Unfortunately I was in a vulnerable position and reacted unhealthily so that an eating disorder developed from weakened physical and emotional stamina. Other people’s scorn and limited views — that a sufferer should simply not be so stupid, eat up and wise up — can trigger feelings of self-loathing and so counteract the hard work of learning to value oneself again.

“Another difficulty is the embarrassment factor. Some family members and even old friends have not yet been able to address the issue with me. However I still focus on strengthening my relationships with friends and family who have dared to ask. An eating disorder thrives on individuals who feel isolated.

“Before I challenged my eating disorder, I was restricted to a shrunken life in many ways. Now it’s like switching from black and white to colour again and it feels refreshing. I remind myself that I have so much to give and want to be in the strongest, healthiest place to be able to do that. Regaining weight to a healthy Body Mass Index as well as keeping an eye on my own purpose is harder than it seems on paper.

“Everybody has something to live for and you don’t need to know what that is yet. Facing fears and asking for help and support is really hard in the short term but it lessens the chances of restricting your quality of life in order to feel temporarily safe and allowing an eating disorder to gain more and more control.

Julie says she now sees an eating disorder as a “filthy rag, not a comforting security blanket.”

Challenging this eating disorder has strengthened my sense of self and purpose, made me appreciate health and relationships and given me a passion to help anybody else who is facing a similar struggle.

“I’m proof that things change. I am gaining weight and gaining more of me in lots of ways. My sense of humour’s back, my relationships are being strengthened and I have a fuller sense of emotions.”

n If you are worried about someone who may have an eating disorder, or you would like help or support for you own issues in regards to your relationship with food, eating and/or weight, please contact Eva on (028) 4377 2835 or email chrysaliscentre@btinternet.com. Alternatively, log on to www.eatingdisordersnetwork.com