THE loneliest feeling in the world — it’s how Anne-Marie Smyth describes leaving hospital without the baby son she held all too briefly in her arms.
Colin, as he was named, was stillborn on September 18, 2010.
Describing herself as blissfully happy in the run-up to the birth, Anne-Marie said she was “utterly devastated” to be told, when nine days overdue, that her baby’s heartbeat could not be detected.
And it is that sense of devastation the Killough woman wants to help ease for other women in similar circumstances — prompting her to establish a Downpatrick branch of the SANDS charity (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society), which meets for the first time in May.
“It just broke my heart,” said Anne-Marie, recalling when the news was broken to her. “All my hopes, dreams and expectations were shattered.
“Colin was stillborn the next day and as soon as I held him I fell in love with him and had him beside me for three days in hospital. We have good memories of our precious time together —holding him, dressing him, taking photos, letting our family and friends meet him.
“It is not as depressing as you might imagine, having to give birth in those circumstances. Apparently going through labour helps the bonding process.
“However, reality hit when I had to leave the hospital with empty arms and my heart broke into a million pieces. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world.
“I remember the nursing staff peeking round corners, trying to make sure I didn’t bump into other couples leaving with their babies.”
At the time Anne-Marie publicly criticised the South Eastern Trust, claiming midwives had failed to listen to her concerns on several visits to the Downe maternity unit, and later allowed her to travel to the Ulster Hospital believing her baby was still alive when it had already died.
Colin’s post-mortem indicated he died from an intra-amniotic infection, which had been present for a number of days, and according to Anne Marie she will never know if scans she had requested in the days before giving birth could have picked up that her son Colin was ill.
The Trust did not agree Anne-Marie’s baby could have survived if her case had been handled differently but in a letter apologised for failing to discuss an induction date and failing to complete a birthing plan.
While the controversial circumstances surrounding Anne-Marie’s labour certainly exacerbated her distress, it is not her current focus.
Instead she wants to highlight statistics which, for instance, reveal four babies a week are stillborn in Northern Ireland, or die within the first four weeks.
“Each year in the UK nearly 4,000 babies are stillborn and another 2,500 die within four weeks,” she said. “The stillbirth rate has not changed for a decade.
“It is still a bit of a taboo topic as no-one really wants to talk about it.
“SANDS have around 100 support groups around the UK. They are groups run by bereaved parents for bereaved parents.
“SANDS also provides training for health professionals and funding for research that could help to reduce the loss of babies lives.”
But it is the support, comfort, reassurance and understanding that SANDS groups offer, which is key, according to Anne-Marie.
“Looking back I could not have survived this time in my life without SANDS,” she said. “I attended a support group made up of other bereaved parents; these were people who truly understood, people who had time to listen, people who had survived a similar experience.
“When friends, family and workmates had forgotten my dead baby, my friends at SANDS still listened and allowed me to remember the precious missing member of my family.
“By setting up a local SANDS group in Downpatrick, and through my involvement in it, I want to keep Colin’s memory alive.
“I love to talk about him and show people his wee photo. He was so beautiful and I want to now help other parents because I fully understand their pain.”
Anne-Marie, who is now a happy mum to one year-old Sam, has set up the local SANDS group with her friend Donna White, whose son Marcus was also stillborn on January 30 last year. Through the support of the local community the pair have already raised £2,000 for SANDS.
The first meeting of SANDS in Downpatrick is on Thursday, May 2, at 7.30pm in Conference Room 2 in the Downe Hospital. Subsequent meetings will be held on the first Thursday of each month. The group is open to families across Down and the Ards Peninsula.